I have decided to occasionally write some more personal reflections as one thing I try to remain is honest and open with the people that support BRIT. People often show interest in how I’ve recovered and comment on my positive attitude. I was extremely lucky to recover so much feeling and mobility and to be able to walk again, and for that I am truly grateful.
What people do not see though is that like anyone that has been through a traumatic situation I still have dark days. Whilst I can walk, there is a fair amount of nerve and general pain which is managed by medication, so there are times when the pain or physical fatigue set in and this is not only frustrating, but quite hard to explain. One thing that saps my energy more than anything is temperature control. I don’t have the ability to control the temperature in my right leg, so when I am cold, my right leg stays cold until I can warm it up by hand or with warm water. The opposite when I am in a warm environment; my body cannot self-regulate and I overheat. My choice of clothing is critical and it can be a little embarrassing to leave a room and cool down without explaining why.
There is a big piece that fits with mental health and psychological well-being. I am learning that this is a journey I am still on and one of the main driving forces for BRIT is knowing that young people desperately need to regain their self-worth, self-belief and self-confidence. I regained mine, but there are always times when we all have a wobble and question ourselves and need friends and family to help us through the day. My situation barely scratches the surface compared with the difficult journeys thousands of others are on. I have a super life and am constantly reminded of how lucky I am when I meet others whose lives are harder in so many ways. My old life is gone, and while I choose to make my new life good, I do have my days when I am tired, in pain and sometimes sick. I believe it is healthy to talk about things in the hope that there is less embarrassment to young people who find it hard to discuss or explain things to others. Catheterizing is one example that springs to mind. Having to self-catheterize means that I am at risk of urinary tract infections and I end up having several a year which have an effect on what I can do I feel shattered when I get one and it can take a week for things to get back to normal. I used to keep this to myself, but now I think it’s better to just let those around me know so that I can explain why I don’t feel 100%. I used to feel embarrassed talking about it, but now I feel it’s a reality of who I am and what I have to do and there’s no need to feel embarrassed about it.
One other thing I struggle with is the “profile” situation. After my challenges (rowing the Channel, London Marathon, El Capitan etc.) I was inundated with requests to meet all sorts of people and be on all types of programs. At first I think this fed my self-confidence, however there is a danger that this can feed ego and there is a fine line between taking the interest gratefully and graciously rather than seek more for all the wrong reasons. In my opinion, when you are in the limelight, it can come with a lot of negatives. Sadly, at the beginning of my journey (post-injury) there were people in my life that became involved because of the well-known people I was meeting or that they saw my challenges as events that would be good for them personally, rather than for the causes I was supporting. They didn’t stick around and this really upset me. Family and friends have commented that there were some people who were jealous of all the attention I was receiving. I have never understood this as I never actively sought a public profile and ironically I think that they were not jealous of the injury, but that I was meeting famous people and that the media were taking interest in me. I have always struggled with the public profile element of my life and this affects all the decisions I have made since then, for example I never comment about political decisions, never agree to comment on military matters, other charities or individuals. If I did, I would be putting myself out there believing that I was qualified in some way. The only area that I feel comfortable talking about is mental well-being and how hard it is for young people who face their darkest times as this is the area of life that I work in now and am beginning to understand. It’s also the reason I don’t use my military rank anymore; it’s not through embarrassment, but because this was in a chapter of my life that I have moved on from and I want to find myself and start a new chapter in my life now without using the profile I had at the very beginning of my journey when I was still in uniform and struggling to come to terms with leaving everything I knew behind.
One of my friends once told me that I could have taken the publicity from the challenges and made thousands of pounds doing “motivational” speeches and taking a paid job on the back of my profile; this just isn’t me and I do a few talks each year about BRIT and how I got to where I am with the charity; I don’t profess to be a motivator, but I do hope, someone who is content to explain in a very personal way, how hard it can be for young people and why we need to give a bit back where we can to help others. This is one of the reasons why I want to spend time going in to schools and talking to young people. It’s also why I retreated and stepped back from the limelight by retiring from the Armed Forces, buying my cottage and focusing on founding BRIT. This was healthy for me as after attending a trauma clinic and undergoing my first professional counselling session, I have been told that I was experiencing severe depression when I was living in London, coping with life in the wheelchair, the attention from my fundraising for the wounded, coming to terms with leaving the Armed Forces and relationships with some of the service charities. These were some of my unhappiest months and I now know that this was normal and probably expected given the change in my life.
You may be wondering why I’m sharing this so openly. First of all there are other people out there, people coping with dark times in every community as well as Armed Forces personnel who are going through depression right now. I want to tell them that it is normal to feel low sometimes and that it’s unhealthy not to communicate or hide behind a profile or by putting a brave face on things. I probably should have sought out a professional, but I talked with my friends and family and they helped me to process what I was going through. Changing my life in positive ways really helped. Living where I am now has helped too; I am settled in the area that has always been the place for my vision to build the BRIT Centre of Inspiration and is my happy place; I am surrounded by super friends throughout the community who are trying to help me with BRIT where they can. Secondly, I was lucky to find something that I feel passionate about and that is Young People facing Adversity and helping them through their dark times. BRIT is all about mental well-being, the scars that you can’t see and how to move on when you feel that life is not worth living. It is worth living and I will never give up on BRIT or Young People. Everything is Possible and is more achievable when someone believes in you and what you believe in.
Phil